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On the Road to McCain's Homes

The current United States mortgage industry sits at an all time low. So low in fact that myself, Aaron, and my colleague, Nick, two recent college grads in the mortgage industry, are literally out of work. When we heard the news that John McCain owned so many houses he couldn't remember how many he had, we had a great idea: Embark on a road trip and visit all of Senator McCain's houses! Not only would we put our names on the map, but we would be educating America in the process!

I pitched the idea of using my Smart Car for the road trip, but we both decided driving cross country in a car that small would be a terrible idea. We decided to use Nick's parents' van, trading the high cost of gas for maximum comfort. For entertainment purposes we have brought along Faith of My Fathers and Why Courage Matters both by John McCain, The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama, the largest box of Cracker Jacks I have ever laid eyes on, a deck of Barack Obama themed playing cards and my collection of Billy Joel CDs. Needless to say, we are ready to go.

Day One

We started in Phoenix, so lucky for us we were able to make our first two stops on our very first day. We first stopped by his home on Camelback, valued at over $800,000. We are lucky enough to spot Cindy McCain eating dinner and using a $100 bill as a napkin. We snap a picture but security quickly disposes of our camera, citing a "liberal bias in the media" as the reason. We then stopped by the Biltmore to take a look at the swanky condo McCain owns (estimated value: $700,000) and is apparently trying to sell. McCain's daughter, Megan, currently lives in the condo. Nick tries to pose as a prospective buyer so he can get a look inside the condo but gets nowhere with that plan. We gain access to a building across the street that allows us a good view of inside the condo using binoculars. Only a few minutes into our stakeout I start to feel like a major stalker. Our patience is rewarded as we catch a glimpse of Megan doing a beer bong with none other than Arizona Cardinal's quarterback Matt Leinart. I wonder if she will be blogging about this.

Day Two

After spending the night in Sedona we decide to check out the McCain ranch, which is rumored to hold five different houses! The value of this property is said to be over one million dollars. We make our way onto the ranch but are escorted out by security after barely finding time to snap a quick picture. We are both disappointed that we didn't get to stick around for one of the famous McCain barbecues. We end up hitting McDonald's on our way out of town.

Day Three

After spending most the day driving, we finally make it to Coronado, California to check out another one of McCain's high priced condos (rumored to be worth over two million dollars). I attempt to gain access to the condo by telling the doorman that I, myself, am somewhat of a "maverick". When that fails Nick explains to the doorman that he is a card carrying member of the RNC. The doorman informs us that he is going to call the police.

Day Four

We are running on almost no sleep, but we make it to La Jolla at a decent hour and are ready to check out another one of McCain's condos. This one is valued over $900,000 and sits very close to the Pacific Ocean. We figured taking a picture of the view McCain has from his condo was more exciting than his actual condo. While spending the day on the beach I ask a bum who he is going to vote for. He tells me he is going to vote for Al Gore because "he invented the internet and global warming." I explain to him that Al Gore isn't going to be on the ballot, but he rightly claims that he can write in any candidate he wants. Nick proclaims that we just witnessed "Democracy in action!"

Day Seven

Nick keeps listening to Sean Hannity as we drive up the California coast. I can barely take it and ask him to stop, to which he replies "my car my radio." I tell him for every hour we listen to Hannity I will counter by forcing him to listen to Keith Olbermann. We decide to listen to one of my Billy Joel CDs.

Day Nine

We are crossing the Canadian border on our way to Alaska. Nick demanded this detour because he wanted to meet Governor Palin. The second we cross the Canadian line I can't stop saying "eh" after everything and thinking I am funny (I'm not).

Day Eleven

We make it to Juneau, Alaska and quickly realize that there is no shot we are going to be able to see Governor Palin or gain access to her house. Not only that but we have also already blown through about 70% of our budget and we are not even close to being done. Nick decides to bide the time by going moose hunting.

Day Thirteen

We are driving through Canada and my shoulder is bright red due to the fact that I am getting worked over in our game of " slug bug" and Nick always decides to slug me in the same spot.

Day Fourteen

We make it into South Dakota and decide to stop and check out Mount Rushmore. Oddly, it looks a lot different from what I have seen in pictures. We decide to snap a quick picture of it anyway. (From left to right: McCain, Palin, Cheney, Bush)

Day Fifteen

My cell phone dies and we make a stop at the store so I can buy a new one. I buy a Blackberry and remark to the salesman "You know John McCain invented this, right?" Unfortunately the salesperson has no idea who John McCain is.

Day Sixteen

While driving through Oklahoma we drive past the Straight Talk Express itself! We decide, for the benefit of our trip, to follow the bus for a while. Maybe we will even catch a glimpse of the Senator. We follow it to a rest stop and Nick sneaks up behind the bus and places a Ron Paul "rEVOLution" bumper sticker on it.

Day Eighteen

We follow the Straight Talk Express all the way to President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas. To our dismay the Senator never was on the bus, but we did see Larry Craig and Karl Rove get off the bus holding hands. We decided that was a good time to get the hell out of Texas.

Day Nineteen

Our car breaks down driving through Arkansas. Luckily for us Nick has an AAA card so we call for a tow truck. After a multiple hour wait the truck finally arrives and to our shock the driver is none other than former Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee! When we ask him why he is driving a tow truck, he responds "I need to pay off my campaign debt."

Day Twenty Two

After getting our car fixed in Arkansas we finally make it to Virginia. The last McCain residence on the stop is a plush condo in Arlington, Virginia, where the senator stays while he is in Washington. This condo is worth over $800,000 and is quite the place to hang your hat after a long day's work. Nick and I decide that there is no way we are going to be denied entrance into this condo. We devise a plan to enter the condo under the disguise of a maintenance crew and we are successful in gaining entrance. It is pretty quiet at first and we begin to think that no one is home until we enter the master bedroom and see none other then the Senator himself in bed with Sarah Palin! Startled by our appearance Palin screams at us to "get the hell out" and whizzes a hockey puck at my forehead. That's the last thing I remember. When I come to, Nick tells me that he got us out of our predicament by committing, in writing, to McCain, that we would both vote for him.

Day Twenty Three

We make our final stop of the trip at the White House. Will this be yet another residence of John McCain? Only time will tell. The Senator has both Nick's and my vote, but not by choice.

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* Updated Jun 7, 2012